A person’s absence
Makes them more powerfully present
This past week, I said goodbye to my dad.
With Covid restrictions lifting in Northern Indiana, our extended family was so grateful that we could all gather together to meet up with friends and neighbors for one collective great big bear hug (my dad’s hugs were legendary) to celebrate the very active and full life of my father.
Below are my thoughts and observations on my dad’s life that I prepared for the funeral mass that took place at the Basilica on the campus of the University of Notre Dame.
Enjoy.
Hi, everyone.
It is so wonderful seeing you here today traveling from all over. All of you are taking time away from family, work, and school schedules in the midst of covid to be here…and we thank you so much for joining us to celebrate my dad’s life.
Several years ago my good friend from Boston College, Bishop Timothy Senior (who says hi and said a mass today in Philadelphia for Dad), poignantly observed the phenomenon that “a person’s absence makes them more powerfully present.”
I have never forgotten that phrase.
A person’s absence makes them more powerfully present
Especially today on campus in this beautiful basilica at Notre Dame where so much of our family history, legacy and my dad’s journey unfolded.
My wife, Kristin and I were married right here 25 years ago and guess who was standing by my side as my best man? My dad. This is a special place and today is truly a celebration.
LIFE LESSONS
With my dad’s absence over the past few days, I have been reflecting on how we “move on” … a common question after a time of loss…How do people do it?
With such a probing question I turned to the great Master…Master Oogway from the movie Kung Fu Panda. Have you all seen this classic movie? One of the all time favorites in our house. It is a hilarious and insightful animated film from Dreamworks. Master Oogway is an elderly tortoise and the senior master of the Jade Palace.
Let me give you a little background — according to KungFuPanda.com Master Oogway is “credited as the Founder of the Valley of Peace and the creator of Kung Fu. Highly respected for his wisdom, knowledge, and experience, Master Oogway was imperfect but considered to be a sage across all of China.”
In the movie, he spent his life dedicated to preserving the art of Kung Fu as a force for good and passed on many of his other teachings to his students including this often repeated question:
If the future is a mystery and the past is history, then what is the present?
A gift.
I have come to realize that in my dad’s later years he was very similar to Master Oogway, an imperfect, old and wise turtle who modeled life lessons, shared stories, and subtly provided great insight for all of us.
- My dad spent his life dedicating his love to my mom, his grandchildren and our family.
- He loved tennis, teasing, music, medicine, coins, Colorado and the Cubs.
- His admiration and passion for scrimshaw, sailing, nature and, of course, Notre Dame was contagious.
- Many of you may not know it, but my dad had a fascination (among other things) for plastic spoons and pizza condiments (especially grated parmesan cheese and crushed red pepper flakes). Seriously.
- I think my dad also made up an exercise called “wall sits”…Have you heard of these? As kids before a family ski trip, he would have each of us ‘sit on the wall’ for a few minutes and he would time us. How do you sit on the wall?
- My dad was certainly proud to be Irish, but did you also know that my dad at one time was also fluent in Russian?
- As a kid (maybe like most kids) I thought my dad also had the coolest job …because he had access to free cookies and orange juice as the President of the Blood Bank here in South Bend. What kid doesn’t love free cookies and orange juice?
So now in my Dad’s absence, and knowing that he is still here powerfully present, what is the gift he might be sharing with us today?
THE GIFTS FROM MY DAD
I have had a few days to think about this question and what has come to my mind are three things.
Courage, Compassion and Connection
COURAGE
Famous theologian, Mary Daly, who taught at Boston College for over 30 years said that “Courage is a habit; a virtue. You get it by courageous acts.” She says, “it’s like you learn to swim by swimming. You learn courage by couraging.” Did you know that the root of the word of courage is Cor — the latin word for heart?
I’m sure that my dad, loving words, studying Greek and Latin in school already knew this, but I just discovered this…and how appropriate since all of us were witness to the incredible strength and courage my dad has shown through his health challenges over the past several years. My dad demonstrated so much heart, was so brave and battled to the end.
COMPASSION
According to the nun Pema Chodrin, “Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity.”
My dad was called to be a physician, and I heard stories about how he was so empathetic and compassionate towards the patients he saw. And recently over the past few years when my family was facing some serious health challenges, he was there for me as well. In these tough and uncertain moments, 1:1 my dad radiated love and compassion. These were the moments when I saw him at his best.
CONNECTION
Over the past year, I read a book by the current Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek Murthy, called Together — The Healing Power of Connection. You are going to hear from my brother, Kevin, in just a little bit about these stories but while growing up, home football Saturdays here at Notre Dame was where my dad connected us all together. His legendary tailgaters were not only highlights of the week in the fall — they were the pinnacle celebrations of the year where many of us would drive in from the East Coast or fly across the country for the party. Of course, my dad loved prepping the menu, packing the van, setting up the grill, cranking the music, but most importantly loved seeing everyone connected together and having a great time.
The gift of Courage
The gift of Compassion
The gift of Connection
These are the gifts that my dad is sharing with us today.
HOW TO MOVE FORWARD
My dad is reminding us that we don’t “move on” from grief or loss, but we can “move forward.”
We can “move forward” practicing courage, being brave, showing compassion and empathy all while we celebrate and cherish the time we have together.
In closing, a tribute to my dad would not be complete without ending with a traditional Irish Blessing.
DID YOU KNOW?
This Irish prayer has three main images — wind, sun, and rain — showing the deep connection the Irish have with nature and Ireland’s ever-changing elements. The wind is thought to be a reference to the Holy Spirit; The sun’s warmth alludes to God’s Mercy; and rain is thought to be symbolic that nothing will grow without the rain.
Jerry Quinn is the author of QNotes, lives in Portland, OR and has been overwhelmed at the outpouring of support and encouragement over the past few weeks. Thank you so much. ☘️
